What Love Is...

Happy 4th!

People never cease to amaze me. I guess that statement requires and explanation, and since this is a blog, I guess I should do just that, heh? So here goes: I'm usually pretty good at reading people. I never judge nor do I "hurl the cynic's ban" according to Sam Walter Foss, but rather, I try to "live by the side of the road, and be a friend to man." Nevertheless, first impressions are always made, and I always get a feeling about a person.

A couple of months ago, I semi-met someone whom deep down, I felt to be totally, completely worth it, as a friend. I say this because as I grow older, I find it harder to make friends. I don't mean acquaintances but rather, true friends. Most of my out of this world friends are from a lifetime ago, high school, college, and grad school. But in Houston, it's been a bit trying. Up until a couple of months ago, I felt very alone here. I attribute part of that to being homesick, but also to an adjustment period I had to go through before I could get comfortable. I guess in many ways, I've always taken a bit longer than most to adapt to my new surroundings. I've always been very independent, and I'm very adept in unknown situations, but in the end, I still need that adjustment period to feel completely comfortable with my surroundings. But I digress.

So I go back to my original topic--I met a person who made me feel like I was at home. Just seeing this person automatically made me more comfortable being in Houston even though I never had any interaction with this person. For the first time since I'd been here, I felt good about coming to Houston. And so I decided to pursue this friendship, but in the end, I gave up. Friendship should never be hard, right? Take my relationship with Phil, Angela, Cax, or J9ners. It's never difficult. We're so comfortable with each other, and we don't have to work towards making our friendship better. We just understand each other that way. Sure, in the beginning, we were unsure about each other, but with time, our friendship only got better.

I'm going to sidetrack really quickly--everybody deserves a Phil (or Avi) in his/her life. The friend where you can bare your soul to, and when life makes you sad, he'll be there to pick you up, even if you're thousands of miles away from home. It's funny how Phil and I became friends. Not many people know this story, but Phil and I still laugh about when he witnessed me snapping the sager splint on my hand while I was testing a c-spine student. Pain and bleeding ensued, but the damage was done. I embarrassed myself in front of Phil, my only witness. I don't remember if this was before or after I passed Phil for his airway exam (though I believe that it was after), but we've been fast friends since.

When Nick moved to Virginia, Phil and I were left behind to fend for ourselves. It was us against the not-so great-world. We spent hours talking in his truck about nothing and everything. So many tears were shed in that truck. Monday and Tuesday nights were our nights. People see us, and they don't understand why we're best friends. Phil is charismatic, charming, and funny. There's never a dull moment with him. I am the complete opposite--quiet (until you get to know me), sarcastic, and semi-serious (also until you get to know me). I guess we're not as different once you get to know me, but we're back to the first impressions now. The people who choose to be friends with me see a glimmer of hope when they first meet me; they see that I'm not ordinary nor do I follow status quo. I'm my own person, but until you get to know me, you won't ever know that. Phil saw that from my stupidity and clumsiness with the sager splint.

Which brings me back to why I started this entry in the first place. I met someone whom I saw a glimmer of hope in--someone who had a lot to offer but didn't do so upfront. Someone who I could see myself being fast friends with because he had a deeper side to him that most people didn't see or care to acknowledge. So I decided to pursue this friendship because I needed it. I needed some hope, some sign for why I moved to Houston in the first place, and this was it. But in end, I gave up on because I felt stupid. Why should I work so hard for a simple friendship? Friendship is just that--friendship--to be friends. My point is that friendship should never be hard, right? Because if it was, then that wouldn't classify the relationship as a friendship, but rather, as a problematic not so good ex-(friend)ship, right? Friends should never put you in an awkward place or make you feel bad about yourself, right?

Clare and I have talked about this, and we have come to the conclusion that friendship should not be hard. But we've also come to an agreement that life is hard and nothing comes easy. I think I just made two conflicting statements, but perhaps what I'm trying to say is that sometimes you need to fight the fights that you think are worth fighting for. And so perhaps this person deserves more than my mere indignation of a "fight," but I don't know how he feels about all this. For all I know, this is a one-sided feeling, which is why I need to work harder on this friendship, no?

Today, I think I've come closer to understanding why this person is the way he is and also why perhaps he's worth the fight. I think I was wrong to give up so easily the first time around. But this doesn't mean that I will try and reach out again because even though I better grasp why he seems to have an inherent sadness to him, there are other factors for which I do not think our friendship would turn out.

Ironic isn't it that though I feel like I finally have a better grasp of who this person is, I also feel that this will be the downfall of our maybe-one day friendship because it puts us in such different places in our lives. I lived through his place in life a couple of years ago but moved on because I could no longer take the pain. I am now numb to the part of life with which he struggles with. Don't get me wrong; there are still days when I will curl up in a corner and cry my heart out, but those days number in few. I have no problems with listening and helping him, if that's what he wants, but through my experience, I've come to find that people who are at different stages in life do not always think that the other person understands him--like children always saying that their parents don't understand them, and vice versa. Perchance, that's why I'm so weary of starting up this pursuit again.

Relationships exhaust me so. I am now ready for bed, I think. I feel my eyes beginning to close, and so maybe I will find an answer tomorrow. Or perhaps I won't. Nobody can help me with this question, I think, but me, myself, and Jennifer. I have no issues pursuing it, but I feel internal resistance. I can't do anything if I think it will cause damage to myself because in the end, I don't know how it's going to turn out. I don't want to be hurt anymore. With you guys, J9ners, Clare, Cax, Phil, and the many likes of you out there, I would give up my life for you guys. But you're different. We're already at that impasse of friendship where we're really not just friends anymore--we're more than that. You're worth more to me than life itself. Without any one of you, the pain itself would be too great to bear. So what to do?

Perhaps Dave Harris and Scott Grimes say it best...

What Love Is

Sorry
I Thought I knew you
There’s gotta be a better way somehow
I know I see right through you
But you should be the one for me

I know I’ve been living without you
I know I’ve been wasting my time after time
I don’t ever wanna be doubted
Oh...I’m not the one to lie

Cuz that’s what love is
What we take on
What I dream about
What I’m made of
I can’t see clear
When she comes around again
I can’t live without
Or ever let it end
That’s what love is
Oh that’s what love is

I know you
I’ve been around here
I watch you everyday
Now I’ve noticed
You don’t come around no more
Oh…I don’t know what to say

I know you’ve been spending your time
Livin’ all these days without me in your life
I though you could always be counted on
Oh…I’m gonna see your shining face again

I see you waiting for the moment that I come to you,
and say it’s gonna be alright
And I see this moment for the rest of life to come

J