When I left the bay area, I knew that it was the right thing to do. But there was always one thing that nagged me, and that was picking up and leaving all of my friends and family behind. Throughout the 8+ months that I have been in Houston, you all have always come through for me when I needed you most. Friendship has no distance, and love never fails. So I will admit to you that I no longer feel guilty for coming out to Houston, except for one thing, and that's leaving my mom behind.
Most of you don't know this, but I've always had a very rough relationship with my mom. We've had many "bumps in the road" throughout my 25 years of life, and I have to say that we continue to have our trying days. But I also fiercely love my mom. As a child, I put her through so much hell via my rebellious nature that I feel the need to constantly protect her now from all the shit that she has to face. From my cousin taking advantage of her to my dad mistreating her, I feel the need to just wrap my arms around her and tell everyone, FUCK OFF.
But here I am in Houston, and she's in San Francisco. I am living it up without the constant overbearings of my father, and all the meanwhile, my mom is suffering at home alone, without any of her three children to defend her. I guess in so many ways, I feel that as her middle, independent daughter, I am the one who needs to stand up and fend for her since she won't do it herself. And perhaps it's also because my grandfather foresaw that one day, I would be the one that my parents will depend on that makes me feel so responsible for my mom.
Don't get me wrong. My dad's a great father. I love him to death too, but we just don't get along. He's my dad--simple as that. But that doesn't mean that I agree with everything he does or says. In fact, it's very rare when we agree on a topic, and that's where our problem lies. My dad is always right, and everything has to be done his way because it's the best way. I don't think so cause HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT. I am my own person, and I will do what I think is right. Because of my rebellious nature, my parents know better than to impose their will on me, but don't think that my father hasn't tried. He still tries even though I'm thousands of miles away from home, but hell, I'm my own person, and I will do as I damn please.
My mom isn't like me. She grew up in a different generation and a different culture. She's the stereotypic subservient, and yet very capable, asian woman that is so often portrayed in Hollywood and such. If it wasn't because of my mom, we would never have come so far as a family. And yet, my dad, being the "man" of the house makes all the decisions, never helps around the house, and once again, is always right. My mom works full time in addition to taking care of the household. As kids, we always had to do things his way (except me because I would never follow his rules, and that's why I always got into trouble), but as we went through life and started having our own minds, my brother, sister, and I stopped listening to him as much. My mom, on the other hand, can never do this. She's too good of a wife and person to ever say no to my father, though she has built quite a backbone. But it's still not strong enough to withstand the horrors of my cousin and dad.
And so here I am in Houston, hearing all the shit that my mom has to endure by herself, and I sit and think about why she can't just come stay with me and escape her life like I did. Why did I leave her again? Why am I so selfish knowing that by my staying here, she has nobody, and yet, I have no desire to go home. How come my heart won't budge even though I feel it crumbling to pieces when I heard my mom cry on her birthday? Why do people have to be such assholes? Why can't they all just play fairly and be decent people? Why does my dad and his family think they are superior to my mom? Why does my cousin, who lives room and board free at my house, treat my mom like a servant? Why are the people dearest to us so selfish and fucked up?! Why can't I have the courage to go home and just deal?
I simply don't know anymore. I can't go home. That much is for certain. My relationship with my father is hanging on by a thread right now because he knows that I am alone with no one here. He also misses me as do I. But if I was to ever go home, all this bullshit about how he has to control every aspect of my mom's life and how my cousin can do whatever she wants--it's gotta go because I won't allow it. I simply won't. It won't be the first time I've had a showdown with my father, nor my cousin for that matter.
I feel guilty, and I can't reconcile my conscience for leaving someone behind. I hate being left behind, and yet I am hurting the dearest person in my life by leaving her behind to fend for herself. She calls life at home, "hell," and yet I can't help her. Rather, it seems like I won't help her. I am such a horrible daughter. I don't deserve my mom or her love, for that matter. I was a nightmare child growing up, and I don't seem to have changed much after 20 years. It makes me feel as if my desire to do good for the poor and uneducated is fraud when I can't even help my mom. Perhaps I'm just not as good of a person as I wanted to think I was. Hell, perhaps I'm just not a good person at all, period. Or perhaps I'm simply trying to compensate. I don't know. You tell me.
Most of you don't know this, but I've always had a very rough relationship with my mom. We've had many "bumps in the road" throughout my 25 years of life, and I have to say that we continue to have our trying days. But I also fiercely love my mom. As a child, I put her through so much hell via my rebellious nature that I feel the need to constantly protect her now from all the shit that she has to face. From my cousin taking advantage of her to my dad mistreating her, I feel the need to just wrap my arms around her and tell everyone, FUCK OFF.
But here I am in Houston, and she's in San Francisco. I am living it up without the constant overbearings of my father, and all the meanwhile, my mom is suffering at home alone, without any of her three children to defend her. I guess in so many ways, I feel that as her middle, independent daughter, I am the one who needs to stand up and fend for her since she won't do it herself. And perhaps it's also because my grandfather foresaw that one day, I would be the one that my parents will depend on that makes me feel so responsible for my mom.
Don't get me wrong. My dad's a great father. I love him to death too, but we just don't get along. He's my dad--simple as that. But that doesn't mean that I agree with everything he does or says. In fact, it's very rare when we agree on a topic, and that's where our problem lies. My dad is always right, and everything has to be done his way because it's the best way. I don't think so cause HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT. I am my own person, and I will do what I think is right. Because of my rebellious nature, my parents know better than to impose their will on me, but don't think that my father hasn't tried. He still tries even though I'm thousands of miles away from home, but hell, I'm my own person, and I will do as I damn please.
My mom isn't like me. She grew up in a different generation and a different culture. She's the stereotypic subservient, and yet very capable, asian woman that is so often portrayed in Hollywood and such. If it wasn't because of my mom, we would never have come so far as a family. And yet, my dad, being the "man" of the house makes all the decisions, never helps around the house, and once again, is always right. My mom works full time in addition to taking care of the household. As kids, we always had to do things his way (except me because I would never follow his rules, and that's why I always got into trouble), but as we went through life and started having our own minds, my brother, sister, and I stopped listening to him as much. My mom, on the other hand, can never do this. She's too good of a wife and person to ever say no to my father, though she has built quite a backbone. But it's still not strong enough to withstand the horrors of my cousin and dad.
And so here I am in Houston, hearing all the shit that my mom has to endure by herself, and I sit and think about why she can't just come stay with me and escape her life like I did. Why did I leave her again? Why am I so selfish knowing that by my staying here, she has nobody, and yet, I have no desire to go home. How come my heart won't budge even though I feel it crumbling to pieces when I heard my mom cry on her birthday? Why do people have to be such assholes? Why can't they all just play fairly and be decent people? Why does my dad and his family think they are superior to my mom? Why does my cousin, who lives room and board free at my house, treat my mom like a servant? Why are the people dearest to us so selfish and fucked up?! Why can't I have the courage to go home and just deal?
I simply don't know anymore. I can't go home. That much is for certain. My relationship with my father is hanging on by a thread right now because he knows that I am alone with no one here. He also misses me as do I. But if I was to ever go home, all this bullshit about how he has to control every aspect of my mom's life and how my cousin can do whatever she wants--it's gotta go because I won't allow it. I simply won't. It won't be the first time I've had a showdown with my father, nor my cousin for that matter.
I feel guilty, and I can't reconcile my conscience for leaving someone behind. I hate being left behind, and yet I am hurting the dearest person in my life by leaving her behind to fend for herself. She calls life at home, "hell," and yet I can't help her. Rather, it seems like I won't help her. I am such a horrible daughter. I don't deserve my mom or her love, for that matter. I was a nightmare child growing up, and I don't seem to have changed much after 20 years. It makes me feel as if my desire to do good for the poor and uneducated is fraud when I can't even help my mom. Perhaps I'm just not as good of a person as I wanted to think I was. Hell, perhaps I'm just not a good person at all, period. Or perhaps I'm simply trying to compensate. I don't know. You tell me.
1 comment:
Hi Jen,
I'm kinda late in writing this, and we haven't talked in forever. It's really interesting to read your blog - I remember us talking about some of this stuff in high school but I suppose I thought it would pass.
Sorry to hear about all the roughness with the family. Wishing you the best...you know where to find me (on Facebook)
Marshika
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